I AM GOING TO HARM YOU TODAY

January 21, 2012

josephmchugh — Sat, 21 Jan 2012 22:04:11 +0000

I am going to buy too much orange juice. Picture an ocean of orange juice and that will not be enough. Oceans will be able to fit inside my orange juice. I do not think there will be enough land to contain it but who knows we will find out how much orange juice is possible. I am talking intergalactic volumes. The orange juice will start multiplying when it gets struck by lightning and orange juice will become the only available substance for life to live in. Not surprisingly life will survive because the impetus for life is to remain living. I am going to find you in the orange juice. I am going to surprise you with balloons and big whistles and glittery cone hats my dear. We will be floating around in the orange juice dealing with a new respiration. It will be weird but what do you expect when the universe fills up with juice. I am going to force you to start drinking it. I am going to massage the orange juice down your throat and you will accept it because you are a victim. You will not put up a fight. I will show you my overwhelming gentle power. I will make you drink and drink and that is all that will happen for a very long time. The motion of the universe will unify and swirl around the opening of your mouth. You will fill up and everyone will call you fatty except for me. I will call you the cancer of all.

January 17, 2012

josephmchugh — Wed, 18 Jan 2012 04:08:26 +0000

I am going to hit you on the head with a pipe and then pay a doctor to plant us together in the womb of a stuffed elephant tucked away in museum storage. You will startle awake in the womb but I will wrap my limbs around you and constrict my body until we both pass out. We will wake to the sound of a museum janitor being fired. I will say not to worry because that janitor was going to find us here in the womb and take you away from my constrictions. Then I will constrict again and blood vessels will pop in my eyes and you will say I look demonic and that will make me laugh in an uproar. I will show concern that someone in the museum might have heard me laughing so you will try to make me laugh again with comments about my evil appearance but this time I will constrict you so that you cannot speak or fight back and also I will fart numerous times and waft the pungent air toward you. We will pass out in my fart cloud. We will wake to the sound of the museum closing and all the lights turning off and all the doors closing and locking. I will say at last we are alone in the womb and your face will become long.

January 13, 2012

josephmchugh — Fri, 13 Jan 2012 09:14:33 +0000

I am going to ask you to play basketball with me and I will reassure you that it will be fun but the moment you touch the ball I will stab it with a hunting knife until it deflates. Inside of the basketball I will have planted a note and I am going to shout it as I read it to you: “You are ugly and I do not like spending time with you and when we are apart I purposely make up disease-related gossip about you. The most intelligent thing you have ever done has also been done by a two year old. When you talk I fantasize about how much money I would have to pay certain celebrities to harm you and what I would have them do to you. You are fat. People mock you by buying beauty supplies which are useless tools in your possession. You using beauty supplies is like pouring mud into other mud. It will still be mud. I have ten thousand signatures and counting on a petition to create a law that requires you to abandon all of your hopes and dreams and give them to me. I will carry out your hopes and dreams very quickly because they are pitiful hopes and dreams and I will video tape the experience. I will make a documentary called I Hate You and everyone in the world will own a copy because I will give it to everyone in the world. Scientists cannot think of a single thing worse than you. You are the worst. You are the reason why good things do not last. You are the reason for entropy. You are the reason that humans have a capacity for hatred. You are responsible for black holes. I do not like you. You are an existence cavity. Please go away.” That will be the end of the note and you will be crying. I will lie and say some of the things were exaggerations and then take you out to lunch. When they bring our food I will take a tremendous bite of mine and throw yours on the floor and leave you with the check.

October 29, 2011

josephmchugh — Sun, 30 Oct 2011 03:41:41 +0000

I am going to knock on your door and when you ask “who is it” I will say “it is your father” and when you ask “what are you doing here” I will say “I have come to behave in a nurturing manner in order to communicate my undying love for you.” You will open the door but you will see charles manson and then I will handcuff you to him. I will slap charles manson’s ass and he will start doing a jig. I will slap your ass and charles manson will do another jig. Charles manson will continue doing jigs and you will try to fight yourself loose from the handcuffs but they will not budge. I will slap charles manson on the ass again and the jigs will intensify. Sweat will drip from his hair and soak his prison clothes and speckle the floor. He will slip on his own sweat and bring you to the floor with him. He will apologize and ask for your forgiveness and spoon you while he strokes your head. Then I will handcuff your free hand and charles manson’s free hand to each of mike tyson’s hands. I will slap mike tyson’s ass and he will start doing the electric slide and i will slap charles manson’s ass and he will go back to jigging and you will flail around as a consequence of their terror dancing. I will slap your ass and you will bite at the handcuffs and try to pry yourself free. You will shout for the keys but I will not listen. I will hop around the three of you slapping everyone’s asses and mike tyson will refer to me as the satellite rabbit. I will stick leeches to your face and charles manson will laugh really loud and give me the thumbs up and then he will start proclaiming facts about astronomy. Everyone will be dancing except you. You will move against your will. Mike tyson and charles manson will drag you where they please and I will encourage them. I will feed them proper meals and keep them hydrated. I will read the bible to them and ask them what they think about the passages. They will have no responses but they will ask me to keep reading. I will do so.

October 17, 2011

josephmchugh — Tue, 25 Oct 2011 04:44:30 +0000

I am going to retrieve all the money I have hidden in junk yard truck tires and purchase swaths of abandoned and undesirable land. Then I am going to take strands of old wires with stripped jackets and frayed ends and jam them into you. I will run the wires from your dumb fat abdomen through the gutter system encircling the roofs of my new mansion made of bacterial mud and I will run the wires through my new barren valleys full of oil-flooded ferns and saplings and other diminutive once green forest growths. The wires will terminate and I will twist them together with older wires of far less quality. They will convulse on the ground. I will continue with the wires through my new and very own manmade lake located on top of an h-bomb sinkhole in which I will force-breed all known species of electric eel and teach them to be malevolent. The wires will run and tangle through an overpopulated community of slum huts topped with malfunctioning tv antennae. All of these places will be dirty and I will make them dirtier. I will collect and sort through all the world’s waste. I will obtain obscure machines made of metal and pistons that will condense my collections of waste into cubes and I will put some cubes in your underwear. Each cube will have the mass of a fully furnished three story building and I will toss some of the cubes in your socks. I will usurp the power of electricity from nature itself and subject you to it. Electricity will listen to me. It will spark magnificently here and there like forest fire gun powder. It will sprint through the trails of wire I left and clothe you in pain robes. You will have no choice and no freedom and I will never save you and also I will take your significant other out on a way more extravagant and sensual date than you ever could. You will collapse in the electricity and I will make love to your significant other in the shadows cast by your falling body. You will be aware of everything.

October 13, 2011

josephmchugh — Fri, 14 Oct 2011 04:06:14 +0000

There is an infinite number of ways I can harm you. Today maybe I will drive a dump truck carrying a tire fire and follow you around all day and grunt over and over into a pair of megaphones that are fused to my fist bones and when you go indoors I will wait diligently outside. I will never run out of ideas. Every day is a brand new day. Today I also might steal all of Brigham Young University’s choir robes and soak them in cauldrons of jaguar saliva for a few hours until I start getting bored and then I will heap the robes into a mountain on top of you and I will start breakdancing immaculately in celebration. I am bound to you and I will never give up hope. I am going to make you make love to everyone in the state of utah who has no genitalia or limbs. I am going to remove your skin and give you dry lava. I am going to behead 500,000 ants and grind the heads into a powder and slowly mix the powder into everything you eat and drink and wash your body with. No one has ever or will ever be jealous of you. Nothing about you is worth noticing. I am going to take you on a leash to a park and exclaim how everyone looks away from you. You are worse than a black hole. You do nothing productive. The only feeling you provoke in others is a longing to exist no more. I am going to make you into something. I am going to keep going. The degree of your worthlessness is the sovereign negative reinforcement shocking my inner life organs into movement. I may take breaks and I may pause for breath but saving you is like resurrecting christ from the icy depths of long lost beating blood. I am the amalgamation of humankind and you are the elements creation gave me to fuck with.

October 9, 2011

josephmchugh — Sun, 09 Oct 2011 18:41:32 +0000

I am going to shackle you to a cement wall and make you watch me disassemble a machine. I am going to remove and study each part and patiently break it down to its individual metal or plastic or rubber pieces. I will categorize and arrange the pieces by type and size and function and I will catalog them under the same rules both electronically and in a binder of protected sleeves of paper. You will get nervous about my plans. I will accentuate the tedium and care and strict concentration of my work. I will emote passion. I will not look at you. My eyes will be statuesque. My hands will move like the god of surgery. I will pause to eat a container of fresh strawberries. I will stare at you while I eat the strawberries. At the speed of a snapping turtle I will step toward you eating strawberries. No juice will drip down my face. I will consume the strawberries with precision. No tooth in my mouth will be ignored or misused. I will finish chewing the final strawberry as I am within inches of you. My nose will touch your nose and I will swallow the final strawberry mash. You will shiver and I will go back to work.